It is hard to even know where to begin with this one, but it seems to be one of the biggest issues for many new parents, or even experienced parents for that matter. I lost many, many hours of sleep with my first baby who only learned to sleep through the night when he got his own room and had to "cry it out" at about 12 months. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, yet it was one of those necessary rites of passage I had to go through as a mother, and it made me much stronger.
Thankfully, my second (Hope) is a much better sleeper, as you can see from the picture. Though even with her, the old saying "sleeping like a baby" is frustrating. Anyone who's ever had a baby knows that babies are pretty much all horrible sleepers, mostly because it is so hard for them to sleep longer than several hours at a time.
So, the truth of the matter is that babies have all sorts of reasons that make it hard for them to sleep. One is their startle reflex, where their arms and legs are always flinging about, making it hard for them to settle their bodies down and relax enough to sleep. With babies that have a particularly hard time with this, swaddling is a huge help. Another reason that they can't sleep that long is their tiny tummies that can't hold too much at one time, and that get hungry quickly. Hence the need for round the clock feedings, including several in the middle of the night, for newborns. Often another problem comes (like I encountered with Samuel) when the baby eats so much or so quickly that they are then uncomfortable afterwards, and perhaps have the hiccups or gas and can't fall asleep because of how uncomfortable they are. Samuel got hiccups so bad he often couldn't sleep for an hour after eating even in middle of the night. So, when you're feeding the baby every three hours at first (even through the night), and it took him an hour to fall asleep after eating, you can imagine how little of sleep I was getting when he was first born.
Everyone recommends trying to nap while the baby sleeps during the day, but I found this incredibly hard to do. I am just not a good napper, so for those of you who are, consider yourself blessed. For those of you who are more like me, take comfort in knowing that if you are having major sleep deprivation after your baby is born, for most people this only lasts the first month or two. Even if you have a baby like Samuel who causes you to loose many hours of sleep for months upon end, it will end eventually! One mom I know has such a good perspective on this, pointing out that these days of your child being a baby are so short and go by so fast, that it is not a big deal to have to lose sleep for a little while. (Of course, I didn't believe this until I had my second baby and started to see how fast they really do grow up!)
But on that note, let me give you some advice that will hopefully spare you at least the last six months of sleep loss I experienced with Samuel... if you are finding that you have a baby that after the first several months is not able to fall asleep on their own and is waking up several times throughout the night, I highly recommend that you do some "sleep training" with them. Basically, you can read all about it in this book called Sleeping Through the Night by Jodi A. Mindell. I think there are some babies who actually NEED to cry themselves to sleep because it is the only way they can fall asleep without being rocked or nursed to sleep. I know some people probably think they would prefer to rock or nurse their babies to sleep, but the problem with this is that then every time your baby wakes up throughout the night, you have to get up and either rock them or feed them until they fall back asleep. And they also are actually not getting enough sleep themselves when this pattern is happening.
Here's my story with Samuel: I swaddled him to fall asleep until he was about 7 months old and finally started fighting the swaddle. At this point, I tried to get him to fall asleep by taking a pacifier, but it didn't really work more than a few times. So, I started rocking him to get him to sleep. I would then gently put him in his crib and let him sleep...but he would wake up again after some number of hours, and I would have to rock him again and gently put him in his crib until he woke up again. From about 8 months to a year, it was ridiculous and I was having to rock him back to sleep every hour and a half or so. We were both exhausted. Finally we did some sleep training, and he learned how to fall back asleep on his own. Now, he still sometimes cries himself to sleep, but it actually doesn't seem to really bother him, and he is a much better sleeper and much more well rested. He actually became a happier baby after he started "crying himself to sleep"!
I am going to write more on this topic later, because there is still so much to say about this issue. I have learned more new things with my second baby too, and I have some advice from other parents I can share, because so much of this stuff just depends on what your baby is like. But please feel free to post any questions or your own opinions/thoughts on the topic!
5 comments:
Thanks Holly! I appreciate the info. Can you share some of the sleep traning ideas when you get a chance? And your opinion about when you should start that?
Have you ever thought about getting into midwifry? just a thought. You would be great I think!
Hi Holly, I am a friend of Mel's, and your blog is great! My little guy is turning one on Sunday, and he too woke up 2 to 3 times a night and I nursed him back to sleep until he was 10 months old. Its an easy pattern to establish, since this is what newborns need. We did end up doing some sleep training at 10 months, which for us looked like this: when he woke up in the night we would 1. let him cry for 5 -10 minutes (we used a kitchen timer and would turn down the monitor, but I couldn't resist watching the lights on the monitor and sometimes would cry along with him) 2. my husband would go in and rock him or pat him until he was relaxed and sleepy again (he would get frantic if I went him and didn't nurse him) 3. if he was still crying or cried again, we would set the timer for another 5 -10 minutes. This would sometimes be repeated quite a few times a night at first, but it was worth it. Now he sleeps 11+ hours straight at night. My little one is a stubborn guy, and I didn't feel it was good for him to let him cry more then 10 minutes with no response from us. This is what worked for us, but of course every baby and parent is different.
Yes, learning to sleep is good, but issues of attachment are so much more important to me. Responding quickly to a baby and teaching them that their cries are important is worth getting less sleep for a few months. And I am so glad we didn't start this until he was 10 months. I know from talking to Mel that you care about attachment too, and you've probably known people too who have taken the baby wise and other sleep training programs to a level that makes you VERY uncomfortable.
So, what worked for us and I recommend to my friends is this: yes, don't be afraid to allow some crying when baby is older but PLEASE, for baby's sake, don't let unresponded-to cries be a pattern in your parenting. Please think about what message your baby is getting with your actions, and remember how precious and short this stage is!
Dana, I loved reading what you wrote! I appreciate and respect your advice. Thanks so much for sharing. I am so thankful to have friends that have gone before me in the area. love you, mel
Dana,thanks for reading the blog, and thanks for sharing your thoughts and explaining the sleep training. That is a lot what it looked like for us too, with just a few variations, but I will try to post a blog about it more later. Anyway, I totally agree with what you said about responding to baby's cries, especially when they are in the first six months or so. Melissa, I can't really say when I recommend starting sleep training, because I think it depends so much on the mother and baby. I don't think I will wait as long as I did with Samuel if I have to do it again, because I think it just gets harder for both mom and baby as they get older. And I also think he was a pretty extreme case...he was waking up anywhere from 5-8 times a night for months, and I was nursing him back to sleep anywhere from 2-6 of those times! But I agree with Dana, a little sleep deprivation is worth providing the love and care your baby needs...it just comes with the territory!
And the fact is, this is a sensitive issue with many parents, because of all the different opinions people have on it. I don't want to come across as believing really strongly in one method over another, I just want to share my own experiences and try to be of help to people.
So, to answer your question a little better Melissa, some people think that at six weeks old is the easiest time to start sleep training (more along the lines of getting them to fall asleep on their own, but still feeding them several times in the middle of the night). Other people wait until more around 6 months (this is kind of where I would think would be a good time to do it), and others around a year or later. So, there is no real answer to the question, other than what I said earlier...that it really depends a lot on the baby and mother and what everyone feels comfortable with. I just want to say that from my experience, teaching your baby to sleep on their own with a little crying is not nearly as scary as I once thought it was!
Thanks Holly - this is good to hear. I remember how hard it was on you when you first started this "sleep training" with Samuel. I am so excited, and blessed by all of this helpful info!
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